The Slacker’s Guide to Lofty Expectations

First post here. There is so much to ask and share, but I am unable to form a single firm thought right now, as I sit down to write this. Guess that’s the only way I function.

I happen to have a neighbor. We don’t live in the same building, but we do share the same air whenever he comes to have a smoke on his balcony and whenever I peek my head outside my window. We have never spoken to each other directly, only lent each other an anonymous ear to steal on work calls or private conversations made on the phone. One of these conversations made me aware of the fact that Mr. Neighbor would soon be moving out to live in a flat, all by himself. Good for him, I guess, as long as he’s content.

Anyway, this is not important. This was just context for something I heard on a later phone call. Now I have known for some time that the guy also has a girlfriend, who lives in the same city, but not anywhere near here. The momentary appearances of a flowy top, or pink handkerchiefs adorned with flowers, or towels that unmistakably scream the ownership of a lady, have been enough to tell me that. Cute, anybody seeing that would think so. And for some reason, I believed that our guy is whipped and takes really good care of her, and has a healthy relationship. No reason behind that, it’s just a weakness of mine. To be unsuspecting and open, and have a really good opinion of anyone I interact with, for the first time (would not recommend this at all :), please). In addition to this, I also knew that his mother was aware of the girlfriend’s existence, which is quite rare to find in our country. Kudos to Mr. Neighbor for achieving this feat if he comes from an antique, conservative family. But if not, well, meh.

So the other day, our guy called his mother and came to the balcony as usual. I was having coffee and had taken a break from work, so my headphones were off. On hearing his voice, I started listening in. Mr. Neighbor was distraught. Turns out that setting up things in his new flat was taking a toll on him. In addition to that, his girlfriend was of no help. He said that she was useless. That she had no idea about anything. He wanted help setting up his new kitchen because he didn’t have any idea what to buy and what to avoid. He expected her to overcome this scarcity, but he was surprised to realize that she had no idea what to buy for a new home or how to set things up. This stream of complaints was being conveyed in a very frustrated and hopeless voice, which screamed anger.

Now, I don’t have any details on how Mom from the other end responded to this angst, but this rant raised only one question in my head. How exactly did he expect her to react? Did he expect her to know everything about everything? Is this the way men expect their partners to be? Yes, the idea of a partner completing your imperfections is cute, but is there no space for understanding and accepting the fact that she might share some of those same imperfections? I was distraught. I expected this man to be good, and the realization that he perfectly fits the gruesome mould of ‘all men are the same’ hit me like a firetruck.

Relationships are tricky. Especially the ones that contain men, because ‘men’ and ‘understanding’ don’t go in the same bucket. When I was three or four years younger, I desperately held on to the hope that there are some chosen men in this universe who are genuinely good, who care, understand, and make rigid efforts. But day by day, my thread of hope weakens. It becomes weaker and weaker as I perceive the men around me. How many more evil imbeciles will it take to trample over my thread of hope, for it to finally snap? I know hope is a good thing, maybe the best of all things, as told by Andy Dufresne. But Andy, it’s dying! This hope that I carry within me is fading away! Why are men like this? I guess no one will ever know.

I don’t want Mr. Neighbor to be in this relationship of his. Not because I think he is wrong, but because his girlfriend deserves someone understanding. I wish I knew her. I wish I could tell her that she is enough just the way she is. I don’t want her to hear anything pessimistic just because she finds something beyond her capabilities to achieve. You shouldn’t be in a position to apologize to ANOTHER person because of something YOU cannot do. Especially not to your partner! My brother-in-law and sister recently moved to their new flat, and are in the process of setting things up. On a weekend morning when they were supposed to go to the marketplace to buy a few things for home, my sister woke up quite moody because of her PMS. She was stressed and became increasingly emotional without any particular reason (I have seen this mood, and it’s not a pretty sight). If my brother-in-law can go to the market on his own, buy everything they were supposed to, AND buy some hot food for my sister, AND buy her a bouquet of flowers to uplift her mood, then you better expect a cut above this current version of a complaining box of a boyfriend who thinks it’s normal to ridicule HIS partner for not knowing how to do something as trivial as shopping. For once, believe what those reels and posts on Instagram say about love- ‘You deserve the world and you are entitled to spend your life with a man who respects you and cares about you.’

Till then, I pray to God that you don’t get hurt. Celebrate your shortcomings and stay happy.

1-dle + 1-dle = ‘too’-dles… (sorry.)